It’s nice to read a newspaper again! Seeing my share of story is a plus too.
I wish to inspire more people with my experiences not just about being a single parent in this digital era but also, to help other struggling single moms out there on how to manage your emotions when it comes to life’s challenges. I am not perfect but through my continuous study of human behavior and things I’ve learned from my Raj yoga class, I can share some knowledge about self mastery and being positive in order to attract blessings
Thank you so much Business Mirror and of course to writer Mr Rizal Raoul Sabater Reyes for featuring me and my kids to your February issue of Business Mirror Newspaper.
Read on more about how I was able to manage solo parenting in the digital world while working my ass off as a freelancer.
Here’s the online version, under the Millenials section.
Barring the unforeseen, I will walk blindly towards whatever destination you want to lead me. I have mastered dealing with obstacles and thinking about them as my training ground to become wise, fierce, and unbreakable. The art of discarding trash of all sorts (people, situations, objects with an imprint from a negative source, memories etc) from the past is still my obsession. Some people qualify the act as rudeness but if you analyze and try to study the behavior, its all about shielding yourself from the harm of negative elements. You see, when you let these thieves manipulate your life, bad things start to happen, blessings are being blocked and positive energies being kicked out of your whole being. Negativity has always been the nuisance in our everyday lives.
Its another detour. My first at the start of the year and I am excited to conquer this and wait for the fruit of its equivalent benefit.
Source your strength from a god ( our God from all religions), from positive people and our role models, from worthy books that train you to become wise, strategic and emotionally intelligent. Thats what Ive been doing since. And it works for.me.
While me and Savannah were walking hand in hand along the grassy fields of Nuvali going home that night, she suddenly mentioned our house in Cavite out of the blue. She said she missed our old cat Keira, the attic where we used to spend most of our time reading, and her friends from her old school. I asked her if those are the only things she missed, because obviously, the kid is feeling nostalgic and emotional. It may be because of the Christmas atmosphere–the cool night air, Christmas songs playing, and all the children we saw laughing with their parents. I smiled and asked her if she’s lonely. She was silent for a moment and finally said “No”.
We walked in silence for a few minutes and I was just gazing at the man-made lake, staring blankly and thinking about a lot of things. And I finally told her that soon, we will have our own house again (we had to leave that house coz its so full of bad memories and seems like it carries bad luck) We will be happy with no one to bother us, just me, her and ate Zoey and no one else.
I can sense she’s really sad and not happy. I can see it in her eyes. I have been trying my very best to make my kids really happy and contented with just me by their side. Ive been coming up with strategies on how to make them tough like me. Teaching them to be objective, be positive, be brave and be independent and responsible. I guess they are learning a lot already. However, despite my futile attempts, I feel like its still not enough. I feel an ache in my heart whenever I see them washing their own clothes, washing the dishes and cleaning the room. I told them that we’re all independent and we should look out for ourselves coz we cannot rely on anyone. I need to train them that way. If I spoil them and give in to what they want, how can they stand with their own two feet? What if something happens to me and they dont know how to fend for themselves? Theyll end up being a burden to our relatives and I dont want that to happen.
In our situation now, we need to be smarter than anyone out there. Some kids their age doesnt really know the meaning of Independence. I feel so proud of them.
And the funny thing is that no one really messes with the three of us. Seems like people are scared to hurt us. They better be because we can really kick some ass!!!
I told them we are on a journey. We can just enjoy the topsy turvy ride
It was never easy not to be selfish. To love someone despite knowing the fact you’re his rebound. It was that way at the very start and maybe I just ignored my intuition. The craving of finding happiness through a relationship was the only main reason why I risked getting into one.
Remember when I talked about walls here in my blog? That wall I’ve been carrying has always been my comfort and protection from getting hurt. I realized that no matter how I try to protect myself, I will always feel this emotion… until my last breath.
I ended all of the make-believe happiness yesterday. It was a memorable 2 -month relationship and I can totally say I was really happy being with him. I had the chance of loving someone unselfishly, thinking of his welfare before me and not demanding anything from him.
I have been in pain within that span of 2 months. I do know that he didn’t mean to hurt me intentionally. Its just that he’s too hung up on his ex that even if its already 2 years ago, he keeps on mentioning her name, always bringing up the topic of them being happy together. I felt unappreciated. That feeling where you compete with a person who’s been obviously etched in his broken and damaged heart for so long.
I just can’t take it anymore and I felt I have been cheated. I felt like I was the only one making an effort.
Here’s the song he wrote for me (he’s a drummer and a songwriter).
Brimming with power
though her life shattered.
She smiles at the world
That holds her cold.
A free spirit
And self confidence
She gave him a chance
Drowned in misery
A fear eaten soul
He looks at the world
With anger and hate
A trapped soul
Searching for understanding
He is ready for change
With this breakup, I have learned a lot and I can say I am gonna be more wiser in choosing my soon to be partner. I should also trust and follow my intuition because most of the time its 99 percent accurate coz its the subconscious that’s talking to us.
From now on, I wouldn’t date a guy with a lot of emotional baggage. I will listen to my intuition and follow them.
Since I cant fuckin sleep again (and yes I said it without replacing letters with pathetic symbols),I have been thinking now that I’m idle. The idea of fleeing this place with all its ghastly memories that went with it became my everyday obsession. Leaving would be challenging.. Finding somewhere else to go and going back to my childhood hometown could be tricky too. I might be dithering for weeks that could stretch into months and can possibly end up forgetting the idea. Sometimes I’m just too risky for my own good and I’m taking my life in my own hands and kinda enjoying it. This life of mine isn’t always plain sailing on calm waters you know. But I guess that’s the most interesting part. It wouldn’t be a kaleidoscope of pretty hues if there isnt any dark colors in it. Ive come to realize as well that more and more people are coming into my life all of a sudden. Changes are so darn fast in the blink of an eye.
The last thing I know just about a few months ago, I am this super cold hearted bitch never caring too much about whether ill hurt someone or not and not allowing someone to enter my life that easily. and the next thing I know, this protective shell that Ive been carrying is starting to fall down and crumble, and i am clueless as to why this is happening so fast. Its a total helluva risk I’m about to take really. Ill possibly have that chance again of getting hurt. I keep shifting my focus back by reminding myself of all the things ive learned from the people who follows the same philosophy so as not to get swayed easily by my emotions and letting rationality dominate this pathetic emotions swimming inside me. I cannot allow to be fooled by anyone coz i am too smart for that crap. I will give myself a chance and would take that risk, only this time i really have to be careful coz again, I don’t wanna end up sinking back into that quicksand of misery.
Did you get my point? You reader?
And I am obsessed with this Snapchat filter. Harhar.
Some people only see themselves. All fuckin selfish. It’s easier for them to point fingers and play the angel part. Too afraid to face the mirror and see the real ghost which is them.I hate to judge and I am too lazy to even bother minding other people’s effin business coz I have my own shit to deal with.
Now, I am too busy being happy. Too busy loving my kids. I am too busy with work, too busy with events and too busy to even be busy looking at you. Haha.
Just random shitty thoughts.
“Some people put walls up, not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to knock them down.” -Unknown
I find this quote screaming of cowardice. I was able to analyze this type of emotion and I even spent a whole day studying it with the help of my books and recalling past experiences and pondering my current situation as well. I have come to realize that there’s really no sense holding this wall Ive been carrying for so long. Initially I thought it would help me become emotionally strong and secure.
I was dead wrong.
I think a strong emotionally intelligent person wouldnt really put walls around them. Why? A person who is strong emotionally isn’t afraid to become vulnerable, They are not afraid to take a risk of getting hurt because they know that in the event someone hurts them, they have the power to brush it off, stand back up and go forward without even looking back, hard stiff neck to their past.
When you put walls, you just deprive yourself from being happy. Like genuinely happy. When someone shows interest and comes a bit closer, you step back and hide like a freaking 5 year old afraid of a monster.
Don’t you think its pathetic? I never realized Ive been like this for a year now. It’s totally absurd. The fact that I consider myself a strong, independent woman? I am darn fooling myself. Harhar.
I thank our Supreme Being, Our Higher Source or God (whatever you call him) that he gave me this situation i’m in because if I didnt experience this first hand, I wouldnt know how I’ve been leading a pathetic llife and been fooling myself.
It’s time to be braver and face your fears. 🙂
I’m a queen. I run the battlefield. I can fight without a protective shield. 🙂
So from now on, no fuckin walls. Walls are for wimps. Walls are for pathetic, coward people. Walls are a sign of insecurity.
Ill keep this in mind.