That struggle in finding your spiritual path

The fact that I have been practicing yoga and meditation for almost two years still doesn’t help my restless mind sometimes. I still have this weird pull from whatever cosmic science of energy towards negativity, ike I’m being dragged away from the light, trying to hold on to a rope and making me drown into the pit of depression. Until now, I have to admit I’m still struggling to meditate without the accompaniment of music. My mind is like this hyper kid who can’t sit still in a room, always running around and restless. I know that it’s a known fact it may take years and years of extensive practice to develop the ability of my mind to attain Nirvana — a peaceful state of mind that is free from anger and mental suffering.

I am currently experimenting different ways and methods of meditation. I did the Osho way of meditating, where you just go into hypnagogic state — a deep meditation state between sleeping and dreaming. You lie in your bed with your arms bended at the elbows forming a 90 degree angle with your torso. When I do this method, I mostly often fell asleep. It’s pretty challenging and I think this should be done with a meditation teacher so someone can shake you off when you’re about to fall asleep. Sometime even worse, if you get too deep into the meditation, it can also possibly lead to not waking up. I only did this once and it’s pretty scary, like an out-of-body experience. The benefits of this is deep relaxation, clarity of thought, stress relief and new insights.

There’s the Brahma way, which I often practice every morning. You stare at a point of light with your eyes open,completely thinking about positive thoughts, and creating awareness of Being as a soul.

Also, my friend introduced me to Hare Krishna. The way they meditate is with the use of a japa mala and chanting. I’m also doing this in alteration with the Brahma method. If I want to be happy, as the monks or yogis at Hare Krishna often say, just chant the Hare Krishna maha mantra. I also found out you can chant this in a form of singing and they even have different tunes, which makes it even more fun!

My craving for self discovery forces me to try to want to learn other teachings. With my innate curiosity being my dominant quality,  I have this need to sense a kind of spiritual miracle on my being.

Does it sound like I’m asking too much on meditation? I guess you may say so. It’s like I’m expecting some kind of magic or miracle while performing this rituals during mornings. I just can’t seem to stop this craving for spiritual knowledge. I have been playing with my stars for quite sometime already, and trying to  respond to it with an open heart. On a Brahma Kumaris way of teaching, all people in this material world are actors, playing a certain role on each drama assigned to us.

What I’m getting at is this, this spiritual journey is starting to get really exhausting. I deeply pray to all the gods that I may find the spiritual path that’s right for me. I want an understanding of the whole universe.

Or perhaps, my mind is becoming a jumble of confusion from all these teachings and beliefs. But then again, I am the type who doesn’t have a permanent religion. I have this desire for soul nourishment, and settling on one religion is not enough for I have this weird craving to know more.

I guess, I just won’t stop looking.

 

This is gonna be one long and challenging journey.

 

Pray for me, my dear reader.

 

Anoushka

 

 

 

 

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